I will tell him how I found out that I was going to be an aunt.
This is a pretty funny story.
I was out shopping one day, unfortunately in Paramus, NJ with my boyfriend, Chris. As I was paying for my ski helmet, my cell phone rang.
It was my brother. We exchanged the usual small talk and updated each other on what we were up to. But then he launched into this long monologue about how he and his wife had just completed arrangements with a lawyer and that he hoped I didn’t mind that I had been given power of attorney in the event that anything bad happened to either him and/or his wife and a plug needed to be pulled or something quite terrible like that. He then went on to explain that I would be secondary heir (or something like that).
It got worse.
Then he said, “Now, I,” let’s emphasize the *I* here: “Now, *I* have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. And if the results are what we think they are, you’re going to be *ssssssshhhhhssskkkk*.”
I thought for a moment. Of course it was the very last word that got cut off, and it didn’t seem prudent to just guess about what he said.
I recapped in my head the things I did hear clearly. Lawyer. Will. Power of attorney. Pull a plug. Secondary heir. Doctor’s appointment.
This was *an important phone call.*
“I’m sorry, there was some static, Julian. Could you repeat that?”
“Yes, if the results are what we think they are, you’re going to *ssshhhkkkkqqqqrrrreeeeeeek ka kaannngggg!* ”
I paused again. This time the static cut off even more than the first time. Lawyer, will, power of attorney, pull a plug, secondary heir, doctor’s appointment?!
“Umm, Julian. Let me call you back. The store I’m in has steel beams for its ceiling. I’m not in an area of great reception. Give me five minutes.”
My purchase was completed, but now I was waiting for Chris. I had lost him somewhere in the store. I found him, we walked outside of the store and got into the car to escape the horror of Route 17 (no left turns, which is probably a good thing. I don’t care what anyone says, New JerKers are the *worst* drivers!). I shared with him the things Julian had told me of and I seriously started to worry. “He’s a little young, ” I said, “but there is a history of cancer in the family!”
“Oh my god. He’s got a tumor!”
Chris considered all that I had said and gently suggested that maybe I shouldn’t jump to conclusions so quickly. “But,” the eternal and dangling “but”, with nothing following that single word, suggested that even he believed there was a possibility that Julian was very sick!
I called him back five minutes later, and he launched into the whole thing from the very beginning. Which only made me worry even more, I thought perhaps he was trying to emphasize to me just how serious a situation he was in.
Lawyer, will, power of attorney, pull a plug, secondary heir, doctor’s appointment?!?!?!
He finally got to the end of his talk and said, “And if the results are what we think they are going to be, you’re going to be an *awwhhhnnnt*.”
I paused yet again. I definitely heard him this time, but “awwhhhnnnt”? What was that? Some lawyer llingo which means I have to be pallbearer or something awful like that?
“OH!” I exclaimed, finally. I slapped my hand against my forehand and I think I might have coughed. “Aunt! I’m going to be an aunt?!”
“Yes, you’re going to be Auntie Em!”
“Oh, phew! That is so much better than what I thought it was!” I think I then started to laugh a little hysterically. Which might have scared him.
So there never was a tumor, just a parasite!
I often feel bad that I didn’t have the *normal* reaction of a person who is ecstatic to find out that a new person is on his/her way. But geez, he really scared me!